As Robert Burns Wrote in his poem “To a Mouse” “The best laid plans of mice and men often go
awry”
(The saying is adapted from a line: “The best laid schemes o’
mice an’ men / Gang aft a-gley.”)
No matter which way you can say it, it’s a bloody
understatement!!!
As I mentioned in my last blog post, I had been struggling,
and was doing a lot of self-care and asking for help. I had talked about seeing
my Dr. and hitting a bad patch, and requesting admittance into the unit at the
local hospital. My Dr. and I agreed this is what was needed, I had my support
plan in place, I had pulled away from activities etc. to work on my stuff and
do what I needed to do to take care of myself, and hospital admittance was the
next step.
Well….”The best laid plans of mice and men”…….it sure the Hell went
awry…..
I had an appointment with my Dr. in the morning and with my therapist
in the afternoon. After seeing my Dr. he contacted the hospital and then my
therapist to tell her that the hospital did not have a spot and it looked like
they would not in the near future. When my therapist told me this I felt like
my world had fallen apart, I had worked so hard to stay safe and had been
proactive and it was not working-so I thought.
Needless to say I went through a range of emotions in my therapist’s
office, everything from anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and a range of other
emotions.I was scared, I had no idea what else to do. I did not want
to get to the crisis point I have had in the past, but my plan had suddenly been
derailed.
Then my therapist talked to me about making a new support
plan, calling in the resources of my friends and family. Needless to say this
scared the crap out of me. I had no idea
how to do this work outside of the hospital. I kept thinking back to the beginning
of my work, and how bad it went, and how hard it was. My friends and family had
seen me struggle, but with this work, I had done it in the hospital. I was afraid for them to see me this bad, and
needing the supports I would need.
But, I had two choices. I could try to keep it together on
my own- (which I knew was not going to happen, and I would end up in crisis
mode, end up in emergency many times, and be the worst for it) or I could reach
out and ask for me help.
I opted to ask for help. Believe me, this has been one of
the hardest things I have ever done, and on many levels I was terrified. Terrified
to have people see me in this state, see the ‘real me” terrified to feel this
vulnerable.
Let me explain a little about this fear. I grew up in a
family where the caregivers were not mentally healthy themselves. One moment
they would be loving and take care of me, another time they would ignore my
needs, neglect or abuse me. Now imagine a young child trying to figure out what
to do when they are hurt- do I go to the person who is supposed to take care of
me, wait- I can’t do that because this is the same person that hurts me. This
creates what is called disorganized attachment. Here is a link to learn more
http://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/
So, needless to say I have no idea what to do. So my therapist
and I talk about why it helps me when I am in the hospital, we write these
down. Then my therapist and I put together a support plan to give to my Dr., family
and friends to let them know what was going on with me, that I could not get
into the hospital and what they could do to help me through this very difficult
and challenging time. We wrote this out in rough draft and later that day, my
therapist sent it to my e-mail. I read it, made any changes if needed and then
the time came...to send it out into cyber space…..
Let me tell you…I walked back and forth, telling myself why
I should and should not ask for help. My heart was racing my palms were sweaty,
I was light headed, I felt like I was going to throw up. I had many conversations
going on in my head why this was not a good idea and why it would not work-“no
one will understand, no one cares, if they see how broken I am I will lose the
friends I now have, they will think I am weak, it’s not really that bad, they won’t
understand, they will say they’ll help,
but they won’t, just like before etc,
etc, etc. ” all of these “stories were wrong by the way!!!!!
So, with beating heart, trembling hands and sweaty palms, I
sent my support plan out into cyber space having no idea what the result would
be. I sent it to friends I thought might come on board and to my ringette team.
I have posted the plan at the end of this blog post.
The response was amazing, I am blown away and still get
tears of gratitude when I think back to that time. The unconditional love and
support I received, and continue to receive still moves me to my core. They all pitched in and helped me through a
very dark and tough time. One friend even brought me a nightlight in the shape
of a tea cup, and in the card she wrote-“So you will never be alone on the dark
again.”
I had people checking
in with me via phone, text, Facebook and in person. One friend phoned me 4
times a day at a scheduled time, mid-morning, mid-afternoon, early evening and
later evening before bed.
Another friend- who is a pshy nurse texted and checked in
with me throughout the days and let me know she was there any time, day or
night. My ringette team set up a schedule of daily visits with me and to make
sure I got out for a bit of a walk every day- no matter how reluctant I was. People scheduled me in their days for visits,
-e-mails, phone calls, texts etc. This was a great example where social media
worked and pulled everyone together to support me. One of the ringette players
who now lives in another town, sent me a card every day for 2 weeks, it was
amazing.
I had 4 people, some
friends, some professionals (one still practicing, and one retired who is now a
dear friend)- I could call in the wee hours of the night when things were dark,
both figuratively and physically. Believe me I did call them. It was hard for me to do so, and the old tapes
of the past would creep into my brain telling me that I would be bothering
them, why can’t I do this on my own etc. - but I did call them and it made all
the difference in the world.
People brought me
cards, flowers, goodies, breakfast and lunch, hugs and I had someone visit
every day. I visited my family Dr. every day and he told me I could have daily
check-ins’ with him for as long as I needed. A good friend picked me up and
made sure I got there and back safely. My therapist visited me or phoned me every day.
I had an amazing amount of e-mails, messages and texts of love and support.
I guess in some aspects it was a giant love in and I was the
center of attention.
It was a challenging time, and as I said reaching out for
help, was challenging, actually scared the crap out of me, -it’s a long story
to do with past trauma and disorganized attachment issues- but on so many
levels I’m glad I took the risk. To put it simply, it showed me once again that
the world is much safer than I ever thought possible and I am now connected and
connecting with people, and myself, on a level I never thought possible.
And, it once again showed me it’s safe to talk about my
mental illness and the challenges around it, and once again, I see by doing
that, it allows others to talk about it.
I am recovering, and once again life has shown me that I
never know what is around the corner.
On
the 21
st of February I received notice that I was nominated for The Canadian
Alliance Champions of Mental Health Award, I was so surprised that you could
have knocked me over with a feather. To
think that someone thought that much of what I do was, to say the least, a pleasant
surprise. One of the local paper also
did a piece about.
http://www.comoxvalleyrecord.com/news/295948621.html
Last week a friend took me to see Shane Koyzcan, an amazing
spoken word artist. I had heard and watched him on Youtube, read some of his
stuff but I had never seen him live. It was amazing. He was powerful, funny and
authentic. He spoke about what is often unspoken. I laughed, and I cried and
that was ok. Here is a link to some of his work
http://www.shanekoyczan.com/
Next week I am going to the Child and Youth mental Health
and Substance Use ( CYMHSU) Collaborative next week in Vancouver. I am being
sent by The Force Society
http://www.forcesociety.com/about-us
and am looking forward to learning more and re connecting with the amazing
people I met in Kelowna last September.
I am still struggling. I don’t know how long I will continue
to struggle, but I do know I need to take the time it takes. There are no
manuals for what I am dealing with, no maps or instruction booklets. I often feel like I am going through this blind,
but I do know…I can and will ask for help, and it will come. I know that even
if my loved ones do not understand they are here beside me, to hold my hand,
make me a tea, and give me a smile or a hug. I know the professionals in my
life will make time for me and help and support me through this, and any other
rough time. I know, that this too will
end, I will come out of this, I will see the bright side. This, like life is a
journey, and I have an amazing team to help me through it.
I am on a voyage of discovery, of who I really am. There
will be good times, there will be tough times, doors will close and new ones
will open….and all along I have an amazing support team. And when things get
rough I will remember Shane Koyzcan words in his poem ``Instructions For a Bad
Day``… Realize
every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the
truth is whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and
always there is light. ``
Those are my thoughts for today- I wish you all well on your
life’s journeys
Cheers and be well
Suzy
My Support plan sent to friends, family and Dr.
Hi folks,
Your friend Suzy needs your help this week.
In the past, when she’s had emotionally stormy weather,
she’s been able to go into St Joseph’s “Spa” as she jokingly calls it. That’s
not an option this time – gatekeeping of the beds is tighter and tighter as
budgets tighten. Since there’s “no room at the inn” she’s going to do this
personal work at home. She’s found this inner work process usually takes 5-7
days.
You need to know that both her physician and her counselor
are confident that this will be a safe process – in fact probably a
pretty important breakthrough to feel safe and vulnerable at the same time with
her chosen family (that’s you!).
When she went on the Women of Courage course there was a
“solo” challenge – a day alone and an overnight alone, with support staff
camped nearby. She’s on a different kind of solo this week, and she’s asking
for your support to be nearby…
What support is needed?
-
Friends who can step forward
and offer to be “on call” for one or more nights in case she needs to make a
late night phone call to hear a loving voice remind her of her strengths &
her circle of support – (call or e-mail if you can do this, with the night
you’re able to wake if needed)
-
-
Other friends who can step
forward and call to check in on her (help break any trances of aloneness or
numbness) on a schedule. We need volunteers to call morning, mid afternoon,
early evening, and a before bed (9pm call) – someone to coordinate this would
be great!
-
-
Visiting – Suzy can set some
visiting hours – to make a cup of tea, to hold her hand or offer a hug, just
“be” – no need to “fix” her – she’s not broken, just in a recovering stage that
makes her a little more vulnerable than you’re used to.
-
-
Cards & letters – visual
expressions of love & support are great to re-open and re-read in the
darker hours when she needs to remind herself of her current world that’s
“camped nearby”
-
-
Reminders that she’s probably
going to be “rolo-dexing” through defense patterns (Fight Flight Freeze
Submit/Collapse, Attach)so she may need help just labeling and letting go of
storylines and just witness the defense:
-
• angry ranting or frustration
= Fight
• thoughts of ending it,
numbing out, putting up a wall = Flight
• terror of facing this
week out of the hospital = Freeze
• numbing out, abject
sadness = Collapse
• feeling abandoned by the
system = Attach
This labeling helps
defuse, helps soothe, helps make sense of the emotional storms.
-
reassurance that this process
has an end -- this is not a setback – this is progress and it’s only a few
days.
-
Folks who might invite her out
to walk each day (regardless of reluctance J)
-
You don’t need to ask what happened in the past -- that’s not the
work. The work is trusting the present and trusting the fact that she is not
alone – that her support system is here even when she’s more vulnerable and
perhaps more needy than usual.
-
Suzy will be in daily contact with her counselor. She’s arranged to
keep in close contact with her physician.
If you have questions or
concerns about this you can e-mail me,
or call the office (I check
messages morning and night).
This is a sad but always
sacred process that yields increasing wellbeing and joy.
To be invited in is a profound endorsement of
trust.
