I'm Going Outward Bound...

In just over 72 hours, I am going in an amazing 8 day epic journey. No, this is not a cruise, Club med, or trip to the Caribbean, this is a journey that will happen in my own back yard. I am going on an Outward Bound Canada, Women of Courage course! http://www.outwardbound.ca/course_index.asp?Category=111

If you have been reading my D.I.D. blog for a while, you may know I have gone on one of these courses just over 18 months ago, in the Canadian Rookies. It was a journey of a life time, and like this one, there was no one to carry my bags or make my beds, it was a backpacking trip, for a week, in the amazing Rocky Mountains. When I finished that course,-at times I did wonder if I would finish it - I never thought I would be taking another one so soon.

Outward Bound are not luxury, fresh sheets, hotel lobby kind of trips. I tell people “this aint no tea party” In fact, they are hard, emotionally, mentally, physically and spiritually, but they are an amazing gift.

What is the Women of Courage program about? Here is a bit from their web site

“Outward Bound Canada’s Women of Courage Program offers inspiring journeys of adventure, challenge and healing in the Canadian wilderness for women who have experienced violence and/or abuse. This may include sexual, physical or emotional abuse perpetrated by any individual, and experienced at any time during a woman’s life. Led by our expert team of talented and compassionate female instructors, courses focus predominantly on increasing self-esteem and self-reliance, building supportive relationships with other women, enhancing body awareness and encouraging a sense of physical strength - serving as a catalyst for powerful growth and change. Since 1988, over 1000 women have experienced this transformative journey with Outward Bound Canada.”

It is an amazing experience. This trip will happen at the north end of Vancouver Island, and it will be one of the most challenging ones for me. I grew up on Vancouver Island, This is my home. It is also a place full or triggers, flashbacks and where horrific things happened to me. I was born in Victoria and moved up to the Comox Valley when I was 8 years old. I moved away when I was 25, thinking that I could run away from my past, I soon found out that was not so. 10 years, and many life events later I moved back to the Comox Valley. That was 20 years ago. It has been a journey.

When I tell some people I will be going on a backpacking trip somewhere in Cape Scott Park, most of them think it’s a really neat adventure. But this is not going on a trip with a bunch of friends, resting and sitting around a campfire, drinking wine, sitting and lazing the days away.

Some people ask me ‘why would you want to do that!” Well, each to their own, but I am going because I want to be challenged, in a supportive environment, and see what I can really do.

This may not be a big deal for some, but for people that have been abused as children, the scars last a life time.  For me, I carried around fear, self-doubt and a feeling of worthlessness most of my life. Some people say- “why can’t you just get over it- it happened so long ago?” Which, I now realize was their issue with it, but once again at the time it made me feel like I was once again doing something wrong. Why couldn’t I get better, why was I feeling like I did, why could I not “just pull my socks up?”

Studies now show that childhood adversities can affect a person over their life time. I’m not feeling this way or have my mental health issues because I am weak or lazy or “just refuse to move on” The severe abuse, terror and neglect I suffered for 20 years, has affected the way my brain works. Here are a couple of links explaining what happens.

https://www.ted.com/talks/nadine_burke_harris_how_childhood_trauma_affects_health_across_a_lifetime

http://soundmedicine.org/post/childhood-trauma-leads-brains-wired-fear

But, as always with my blogs, I talk about HOPE !!!

15 years ago, I had no idea I would be where I am now, in fact I had no idea if I would be alive. I could never have imagined I would be the mental health educator/advocate/writer that I am today. I could never imagine the joy, connection and love I feel for, and from people around me. I could never imagine I would feel such profound gratitude for the life I have now, and those who are in it. I have worked hard to get here, I have had amazing professionals, friends and family members who believed in me when I could not believe in myself. I have had people see worth, love and light in me when all I felt and saw was darkness. I have had, and continue to have, people in my life, who will carry the light for me, and help guide me, when I can’t see around the dark corner. I will be forever grateful.

I have been on a long healing journey, to find out why I was feeling/acting like I did. To discover who I am and who I could be, and to discover potential in me that I never knew was there. And Outward Bound has helped me along the way. I am slowly taking my life back. Sure, I still have bad days, some real, real bad days, but I am having more and more good days. I will always have challenges around my illness, but as I tell the youth I talk to, I am not my illness. I am slowly but surely discovering the light that is within me.

I have worked long and hard to find my way back home- metaphorically speaking. Meaning, it has been, and will continue to be a journey of discovery, pulling away the layers and finding the real, authentic me. Finding the Me, before all the abuse and crap happened. The Me, that could smile for a camera, before that all took an evil turn. The Me, that resides deep within, waiting for the moment when it is safe and supportive, to be able to come out.

When I was little, I loved being outside,running, laying in the grass watching the clouds go by, listening to the birds, smelling the ocean, feeling the wind on my face. I loved being around trees, the smell of the old cedar logs and laying on a bed of moss. But, then a time came when even those scared spaces and moments were no longer safe.

I have been homeless, cold, hungry and hiding in the pouring rain, freezing waiting for the chaos to finish so I could go home again.

On this backpacking trip, being in my own back yard, I am going to be running into all those memories, flashbacks and triggers front and center. But I have worked hard to get where I am and I have also sent Outward Bound a support plan, with suggestions on what the instructors can do to help me stay in the moment if I do get triggered.

For me, this Outward Bound, Women of Courage trip is about two things. Taking back my home, the mountains and ocean, trees, sand, wind, sun, rain and stars. To let go of the triggers and create space to welcome home the Me that was lost all those years ago.

Outward Bound Women of Courage is not just an outdoor adventure, it is a journey to find and discover. This is not “just a backpacking trip.” This is a mission to find once again those sacred spaces and times and to bring home the lost.  It’s going to be one a Hell of a welcoming home party!

Those are my thoughts for now, I will report back in once I get back and recover form this amazing discovery.

Cheers and be well, and safe on your journeys.

Suzy

One Step at a Time,..Repeat...Repeat....Repeat....

It has been 4 weeks since my last blog post, and like my life, what I plan on doing and what ends up happening is often two different things.

The month of April was pretty busy for me, actually really busy, and I thought I would have a nice quiet May. Since May is Mental Health Month, I had signed up for a blog challenge, #Blog4MH , and thought I would write a blog every two weeks. As you can see, it did not turn out that way. But, I am learning that is fine, and I have learned a thing or two about myself on the way.

I have come to the conclusion that life, everyone’s life, is made up of millions of single steps at a time. I have also learned that if I look at life and what I want to do, one step at a time, it helps ease my panic and anxiety about “having to get it done now”

Let’s start with my garden.  I really enjoy my garden, I grow flowers because as I told someone asked me “Why don’t you grow food, it could feed you,” my reply was “I grow flowers because flowers feed my soul.” My poor garden was pretty much neglected last year, I had no energy and the flowers and weeds were having a great “Love In,” and by this spring the crab grass was so high I could sit down in it and no one would see me.

It was a daunting task when I looked at it, and seemed overwhelming, there was so much of it. This was a challenge as in the past if things seemed overwhelming I would give up- this is an old defence mechanism from childhood- But, one morning I think “time to get going on this.” I spent two hours out there the 1^st morning, and it was a mess. As I am pulling, digging and yanking out the crabgrass and weeds, it seems like I am getting nowhere there is so much of it. The Sweet Williams that in the past covered most of the garden with its amazing display of scent and colour, were few and far between. They were being chocked out.  When I finished it looked like I didn’t even put a dent in it. I go back out for a couple hours in the early morning the next day. I continue this for the rest of the week then on a Saturday spend 2 hours in the afternoon, and 3 hours that evening, and the garden is ready for more seeds.

For me, gardening is very therapeutic. While pulling the weeds I thought taking care of my garden is like taking care of my mental health. My garden will always have crabgrass, once it’s in your garden, its roots travel far and wide and come up all over the place. I will always have my mental illness, and it will be far reaching, and show up in unexpected places, but if I can keep on top of both, I will benefit.

 I planted some seeds and have started to water them, and of course, as soon as they come up- which still amazes me- some crabgrass starts to pop through. It’s good to pull the young crabgrass out, but doing so would pull up the seedlings, so I have decided to leave the crabgrass there, until the seedlings are big enough and strong enough so that they will not be disturbed when I pull out the grass.

This reflects my life in so many ways. I only have so much energy. As I told a friend the other day, “I only get so many M.P.G. - (Miles per gallon,) - and some days the mileage is worse than others. I need to be mindful of what my mileage is every day, and act accordingly. Some days I will start off with a full tank but it will be empty by lunch time, some days it will last me the whole day, and some days I start with an empty tank. I have to be very mindful and self-caring those days when my tank is empty. If I try to do too much on those days, even if it’s something I want to do, it will take longer for me to recover and fill my tanks.  Just like disturbing the young seedlings, it will take the plant more energy to get re rooted.

The middle of this month I had about 10 days where I didn’t have much gas. It was frustrating to say the least and I was stressing about doing another blog post. This stress only came from myself, no one else, but it’s an old deprivation behaviour- “if I don’t get it done now it will never get done,”  and the good ole Complex P.T.S.D. “ I have to get it done because I said I would and I will be in trouble etc. if I don’t.

I realized neither was true, but my nervous system felt different. So it took a lot of self-care, energy and mindfulness on my part to not get so worked up about it. And, as you all see, I did survive, the world did not come to an end because I didn’t write the amount of blog posts I said I would.

This month, being Mental Health month, I have been busy with speaking engagements. I have spoken to 4 groups or classes so far and I have two more coming up this week. I LOVE doing this, I get so much out of it and the youth and adults I have spoken to have been amazing and asked great questions.

Every time I come away feeling amazed, grateful and honoured that people and youth have stepped out of there comfort zone, and welcomed me and we have had some amazing conversations.  I have received emails from the facilitators or teachers.

… “"AMAZING.
thank you a zillion times over and over.
You rock.
kids talking about you in the halls all afternoon.""

…”Thank you for your time and amazing insight, stories and perspectives. The students have been coming up to me – telling me that you have made the most impact on them out of all our speakers. They really appreciated how you made your presentation real for them. They took away useful information that they could immediately use.”

“ She was taking a lot in. Her life sucks and she feels helpless. I believe you gave her back some Hope. Thank you so much for that.”..

“Your message is very powerful; not soap boxy or victimizing, but empowering. You are doing the work you were meant to do and the rest of us need to hear it. You really do have a gift.”

More than once someone once asked me how did I end up speaking about mental health, sometime my answer is just taking one step at a time, not knowing where I was going, but knew I needed to keep moving forward.

And, speaking of one step at a time, I am going on another Outward Bound course. http://www.outwardbound.ca/

This is a Women of Courage course, for women who have had violence at some time in their life and I am doing a backpacking course at the north end of Vancouver Island. 

http://www.outwardbound.ca/results.asp?CourseRID=327 

 I didn’t know about this course until April 27^th when a friend sent me the info- we had both been on the one in the Rookie Mountains in September of 2013. I thought about it for a few hours and said ” "Suzy, sometimes the universe sends you a gift and you have to step forward and take it.” So I sent in an inquiry, they sent me the forms, I filled those out, then there was the hour long interview on the phone, then they talked to my therapist, and yes, I am accepted and the course starts 2 weeks today.

This is going to be a huge challenge both physically and emotionally. When I did the one in the Rookies I remember on the 1^st day saying to self…”You should have practiced more on the stairs at the Spit” By one of the beaches here, a set of stairs has been built that you can go up, and the view is amazing.

 So as soon as I sent in my application I started to go up them. The 1^st morning I went up I could not believe how hard they were, I was only up the 20^th step and I had to take a break. “Wholly crap” I thought, “How the Hell am I going to be able to do these?” Well, I did do them one very slow step at a time. And I have done them 5 times every Monday, Wednesday and Friday morning since then. 

I am not fast or run up them, but I do get up them and I am getting stronger in the legs and lungs each time I do it.  When I start to get tired I take a breathing break and then carry on. These breathing breaks have gotten shorter and the recovery time is quicker. I still get tired when I do them and when this happens I focus on the stair in front of me and tell myself “One step at a time”

Last Saturday I received confirmation the course is a go and I am going, so I started to walk around town with a loaded pack. I am now carrying 37 lbs. for 4 miles. It’s not easy and once again I  have to break the walk down to one step at a time.

I will not have the amount of time to train as I did for the trip in the Rookies, and I was worried about that, but then realized, I am in better shape than I was a month ago, so that helps.

I have been on other Women of Courage Courses, the one I mentioned in the Rookies and I took a canoeing one in Ontario in 2005. They have all been amazing, challenging and I have recovered a part of myself on each trip. But I think this one will be the most challenging emotionally for me. 

The other two trips took places where I had never been, but this one, being on the island, is taking place “In my back yard” I grew up on the island and this is where all the abuse, trauma and terror happened. I love being in the woods but as I wrote in my safety/support plan for the instructors …

“I grew up on Vancouver Island, and this course is taking place in “my back yard” meaning, this is where 20 years of severe and horrific abuse, neglect and terror happened to me. The smell of a rotting cedar log, sound of wind through the maples, smell of the ocean can all bring about flashbacks. I am usually fine with these but in moments of stress they may flare up….. Being short of breath, cold, wet and hungry is another trigger…”

So as you can see this is going to be a huge challenge in more ways than one. But I know the Outward Bound staff are experienced, supportive and they have my support plan to help me through these challenges. They know I have Dissociative Identity Disorder, and Complex PTSD, and I know I will come back a much stronger, whole happier person for taking this trip.

Some people have asked me “Why would you want to go on something like that?” I guess the answer is that it is another step forward for me. Yes, I’m nervous, especially about the 24 hour solo section of the course. I’m nervous about being cold, wet and hungry and being triggered, and running out of breath. But I also know, this is an amazing opportunity for me to push myself a little further- actually a lot- in a supportive environment, and take back my life, take back that part of myself that loved the smell, colours and textures of the outdoors before the trauma happened. This is an amazing opportunity to start “Taking back my home.”

Yes I will get frustrated, angry, upset and ask myself many times “Why the Hell did I think this was a good idea.”  “ If I had known it was going to be this hard I would not have signed up” There will be moments of elation as I survived being pushed further then I thought possible, and I’m sure moments of laughter and connectedness. And, I’m sure there will be times where all I can focus on is moving one step at a time.

But I know it will be worth it.

I think back to my garden and pulling all the weeds. I was sitting crossed legged in the grass pulling and digging at the chunks of crabgrass and swearing at it when something pricked into my hand. After swearing again, I took a look, and there in amongst all the weeds and tangle, was a tiny rose bush I had planted a couple of years ago. And growing upward through all the grass and weeds was a thin branch with a single beautiful pink rose on it. I stopped, looked at it for a moment and thought, “There is always hope.” This plant had never flowered before.

When I speak to the parents, youth, and write my blogs I like to think I give people hope and encourage them to keep moving forward one step at a time. Life can be hard, it will be full of challenges, trials and tribulations, but it is all worth it.

I went an watered my garden this morning  and the seeds I planted are coming up, and the Sweet Williams that were choked out, are coming back, finer and stronger than ever.

Those are my thoughts for today, may you all be safe in your journeys.

Cheers and be well

Suzy 

Blog for mental health #1

The month of May is Mental Health month, and I had read about #Blog4MH  which is a challenge to write a weekly blog about mental health/illness. I thought about it and I didn’t know if I could do one a week, so I committed to one every 2 weeks. I had no idea what I was going to write about, but as usual, the universe gave me the answer, for this blog post anyway.

I play golf, I belong to one of the local golf clubs here in the Comox Valley. Pretty much everyone I golf with knows of my mental illness and challenges and they accept and support me. They don’t make me feel different, or like a freak of nature, and many have come up to me and opened up about mental health challenges of their own, a family member or friend. Many ask me questions to try to help them understand me more, my illness and I appreciate all of this.

Last Friday night, was the 1^st mixer of the season. It’s where men and women of the club get together to play a fun game of golf. It’s called “best ball,” which means just as it says. Players all hit their ball, and you pick the best shot, and all the balls are picked up and placed where the best shot is. We then all hit our ball from that spot. It’s a fun social event and never taken seriously.

As being that last Friday was the 1^st one of the season, it was a good time to catch up with everyone because many of us had not seen each other since last September. As I was talking to someone they mentioned that I didn't make it to their anniversary celebration earlier in the spring. I told them I had not been doing well, and that it was a really hard winter and spring for me mental health wise. Their reply was “I thought you were all finished with that stuff.” My reply “No, my mental health is a lifelong issue.”

Now I'm not mad at this person. I knew they meant no harm and I suspect that they were saddened to hear that I was once again struggling. But it did show me how much misunderstanding is out there, even in my circles.

Now, not everyone who has a mental health issue/illness will have it for their life time. Some people may have one bout of depression and that’s it, but many of us will have more. Two people may have the same diagnoses, but it may affect each one differently. There is no cut and dry answer to this, no “one way” to help everyone and that is one of the many, many things that makes it hard for people to understand. It so very complex.

That is why we need to start talking.

I could have gotten upset at that persons comment, in fact in the past I probably would have. This goes to show you how far I have come. But I know they did not do it out of malice, they said it out of ignorance- meaning not understanding. And by giving the reply I did, then carrying on with where ever the conversation went, I hope I taught that person something. Not only do I think I taught them something new, but I created a welcoming environment for positive future mental health dialogue if they wish.

If I had gotten mad, and started yelling or made some ignorant snide comment back at them, it might have made me feel better momentarily, but in the long run, we both would have lost an opportunity to teach and learn.

When I was 1^st diagnosed I would argue with people who said/wrote my “illness was not real,”  “was something I made up to get attention” “would be fine if I just pulled my socks up” etc. etc., etc.  But in time I learned that I only have so much energy, and I’m not going to waste it arguing with someone who is closed minded and didn't want to have respectful dialogue. In time I have learned to say, “I respectfully agree that we disagree.” And I am fine with that.

I don’t need to conquer the world. I started to choose who to speak to, and how much to say, and in time more and more people have listened, opened up and asked questions. As the old proverb goes “You can catch more flies with honey then you do with vinegar”

Or as in golf lingo “I choose to play the best ball.”

I am probably the healthiest I have ever been with my mental illness. I have come such a long way, it’s been a Hell of a lot of work but it is so worth it. I think back to the early days of a time when I thought I truly was losing my mind. A time where I thought I was alone in the world and the only one feeling what I was feeling. A time where I thought if anyone found out they would think less of me. I now know different.

Yes I will have good days and not so good days, and probably some real crappy days. And I will continue to play golf, have some good games, some not do good games, and some real crappy games.

 But my golf game, like my illness, is not indicative to who I am as a person.

Those are my thoughts for today, I wish you are well in your journeys.  

Cheers and be well

Suzy 

The Ripples of Hope....

Just over 2 weeks ago, I moved to a temporary community of just over 350 citizens. This community assembled itself in a hotel in downtown Vancouver and existed for a short 28.5 hours. Although this village was temporary- the effects of such a gathering will continue to be far reaching.

I am talking about The Children and Youth Mental Health and Substance Use Collaborative April 8^th and 9^th, and like the one I went to Kelowna in September-(see blog post We Can Move Forward With Mental Illness) - It was an amazing and empowering couple of days and I am still digesting and processing that incredible event.

It was not just a gathering of parents, policy makers, teachers, councillors, RCMP, service providers, doctors, family, youth, and many more. It was a community!! A powerful community, hearing and talking from the heart, with authenticity, courage, hope and frustration.  A community where everyone was supported, no matter what hat they were wearing, as we are all in this together! Once that is realized, we can pull on each other’s strengths and the results have been and will continue to be amazing.

Community is so important, as I found out and wrote in my last blog post. It was because I had a community that I called in for help and support that I was able to get through my last mental health challenge- or as some say “breakthrough.” Knowing you are not alone can be life changing. Having connection can be lifesaving!

There are times when I feel what I am doing around mental health is not enough. I often feel like a very small pebble in a huge pond- and at times a vast ocean- and wonder if I make a difference. I am sure, everyone at that collaborative have wondered the same thing one time or another. Being at that collaborative showed me, that yes, what I am doing in my little corner of the world, does make a difference, and I hope, everyone else that was there realized that they too, are making a difference.

It was a whirlwind 28.5 hours. I met amazing people, had amazing discussions and gained valuable insights. I shared some great laughs, heartfelt moments and shed a few tears. When I told someone this they said “Wow that sounds complex.” Maybe that is true, but life is complex. Living with a mental illness is complex! Working with those of us with mental illness is complex! It’s not easy, and it sure the Hell is not straight forward. There is no x-ray to tell you what is wrong, no straight forward plan that will help everyone. But by pulling away the” facades” of “what” or “who” we should be, by allowing ourselves and others to “take off their hats” and  be their authentic self, we can connect on a much deeper level. By creating a safe and supportive environment to acknowledge our strengths and challenges, we create a much stronger, open, accepting community, and we can collaborate at what works best for us. There is no “Us or Them”, it’s a “We” and we are in this together.

It was an amazing time. As I sat in the room with 357 other people, I had a thought. If I am a small pebble in a pond, I still make a ripple. If every one of these 357 people in the room are small pebbles, and make ripples, put us all together and we will make a pretty amazing wave.

We are making a wave, a movement forward with Youth and mental health. A wave that I wish I had in my youth, but since I didn't I will do what I can to keep this one moving forward. I feel honoured that I got to take part in this amazing event. It gives me encouragement and hope that it can get better.

Even though this community of dedicated citizens only lasted 28.5 hours, this village may have disassembled, and members gone their separate ways,  we are still a community. We are still concerned about our youth and their mental health, and we all will continue to do what we can, to make it better. I look forward to seeing  what shores this wave lands on.

Those are my thoughts for today, may you all be safe and well in your journeys.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

To learn more about the Collaborative, and The FORCE Society For Kids Mental Health, and other helpful resources click on the links below

http://sharedcarebc.ca/initiatives/cymhsu-collaborative

http://www.forcesociety.com/about-us

http://www.familysmart.ca/

http://www.partnersformh.ca/

http://www.partnersformh.ca/act/its-time-to-do-right-by-our-youth/

The Best Laid Plans of Mice and Men.......

As Robert Burns Wrote in his poem “To a Mouse”  “The best laid plans of mice and men often go awry”

(The saying is adapted from a line: “The best laid schemes o’ mice an’ men / Gang aft a-gley.”)

No matter which way you can say it, it’s a bloody understatement!!!

As I mentioned in my last blog post, I had been struggling, and was doing a lot of self-care and asking for help. I had talked about seeing my Dr. and hitting a bad patch, and requesting admittance into the unit at the local hospital. My Dr. and I agreed this is what was needed, I had my support plan in place, I had pulled away from activities etc. to work on my stuff and do what I needed to do to take care of myself, and hospital admittance was the next step. 

Well….”The best laid plans of mice and men”…….it sure the Hell went awry…..

I had an appointment with my Dr. in the morning and with my therapist in the afternoon. After seeing my Dr. he contacted the hospital and then my therapist to tell her that the hospital did not have a spot and it looked like they would not in the near future. When my therapist told me this I felt like my world had fallen apart, I had worked so hard to stay safe and had been proactive and it was not working-so I thought.

Needless to say I went through a range of emotions in my therapist’s office, everything from anger, sadness, fear, anxiety and a range of other emotions.I was scared, I had no idea what else to do. I did not want to get to the crisis point I have had in the past, but my plan had suddenly been derailed.

Then my therapist talked to me about making a new support plan, calling in the resources of my friends and family. Needless to say this scared the crap out of me.  I had no idea how to do this work outside of the hospital. I kept thinking back to the beginning of my work, and how bad it went, and how hard it was. My friends and family had seen me struggle, but with this work, I had done it in the hospital.  I was afraid for them to see me this bad, and needing the supports I would need.

But, I had two choices. I could try to keep it together on my own- (which I knew was not going to happen, and I would end up in crisis mode, end up in emergency many times, and be the worst for it) or I could reach out and ask for me help.

I opted to ask for help. Believe me, this has been one of the hardest things I have ever done, and on many levels I was terrified. Terrified to have people see me in this state, see the ‘real me” terrified to feel this vulnerable.

Let me explain a little about this fear. I grew up in a family where the caregivers were not mentally healthy themselves. One moment they would be loving and take care of me, another time they would ignore my needs, neglect or abuse me. Now imagine a young child trying to figure out what to do when they are hurt- do I go to the person who is supposed to take care of me, wait- I can’t do that because this is the same person that hurts me. This creates what is called disorganized attachment. Here is a link to learn more http://www.psychalive.org/disorganized-attachment/

So, needless to say I have no idea what to do. So my therapist and I talk about why it helps me when I am in the hospital, we write these down. Then my therapist and I put together a support plan to give to my Dr., family and friends to let them know what was going on with me, that I could not get into the hospital and what they could do to help me through this very difficult and challenging time. We wrote this out in rough draft and later that day, my therapist sent it to my e-mail. I read it, made any changes if needed and then the time came...to send it out into cyber space…..

Let me tell you…I walked back and forth, telling myself why I should and should not ask for help. My heart was racing my palms were sweaty, I was light headed, I felt like I was going to throw up. I had many conversations going on in my head why this was not a good idea and why it would not work-“no one will understand, no one cares, if they see how broken I am I will lose the friends I now have, they will think I am weak, it’s not really that bad, they won’t understand,  they will say they’ll help, but they won’t, just like before  etc, etc, etc. ” all of these “stories were wrong by the way!!!!!

So, with beating heart, trembling hands and sweaty palms, I sent my support plan out into cyber space having no idea what the result would be. I sent it to friends I thought might come on board and to my ringette team. 

I have posted the plan at the end of this blog post.

The response was amazing, I am blown away and still get tears of gratitude when I think back to that time. The unconditional love and support I received, and continue to receive still moves me to my core.  They all pitched in and helped me through a very dark and tough time. One friend even brought me a nightlight in the shape of a tea cup, and in the card she wrote-“So you will never be alone on the dark again.”

 I had people checking in with me via phone, text, Facebook and in person. One friend phoned me 4 times a day at a scheduled time, mid-morning, mid-afternoon, early evening and later evening before bed.

Another friend- who is a pshy nurse texted and checked in with me throughout the days and let me know she was there any time, day or night. My ringette team set up a schedule of daily visits with me and to make sure I got out for a bit of a walk every day- no matter how reluctant I was.  People scheduled me in their days for visits, -e-mails, phone calls, texts etc. This was a great example where social media worked and pulled everyone together to support me. One of the ringette players who now lives in another town, sent me a card every day for 2 weeks, it was amazing.

 I had 4 people, some friends, some professionals (one still practicing, and one retired who is now a dear friend)- I could call in the wee hours of the night when things were dark, both figuratively and physically. Believe me I did call them.  It was hard for me to do so, and the old tapes of the past would creep into my brain telling me that I would be bothering them, why can’t I do this on my own etc. - but I did call them and it made all the difference in the world.

 People brought me cards, flowers, goodies, breakfast and lunch, hugs and I had someone visit every day. I visited my family Dr. every day and he told me I could have daily check-ins’ with him for as long as I needed. A good friend picked me up and made sure I got there and back safely.  My therapist visited me or phoned me every day. I had an amazing amount of e-mails, messages and texts of love and support.

I guess in some aspects it was a giant love in and I was the center of attention.

It was a challenging time, and as I said reaching out for help, was challenging, actually scared the crap out of me, -it’s a long story to do with past trauma and disorganized attachment issues- but on so many levels I’m glad I took the risk. To put it simply, it showed me once again that the world is much safer than I ever thought possible and I am now connected and connecting with people, and myself, on a level I never thought possible.

And, it once again showed me it’s safe to talk about my mental illness and the challenges around it, and once again, I see by doing that, it allows others to talk about it.

I am recovering, and once again life has shown me that I never know what is around the corner. 

  On the 21^st of February I received notice that I was nominated for The Canadian Alliance Champions of Mental Health Award, I was so surprised that you could have knocked me over with a feather.  To think that someone thought that much of what I do was, to say the least, a pleasant surprise. One of the  local paper also did a piece about. http://www.comoxvalleyrecord.com/news/295948621.html

Last week a friend took me to see Shane Koyzcan, an amazing spoken word artist. I had heard and watched him on Youtube, read some of his stuff but I had never seen him live. It was amazing. He was powerful, funny and authentic. He spoke about what is often unspoken. I laughed, and I cried and that was ok. Here is a link to some of his work http://www.shanekoyczan.com/

Next week I am going to the Child and Youth mental Health and Substance Use ( CYMHSU) Collaborative next week in Vancouver. I am being sent by The Force Society http://www.forcesociety.com/about-us and am looking forward to learning more and re connecting with the amazing people I met in Kelowna last September.

I am still struggling. I don’t know how long I will continue to struggle, but I do know I need to take the time it takes. There are no manuals for what I am dealing with, no maps or instruction booklets.  I often feel like I am going through this blind, but I do know…I can and will ask for help, and it will come. I know that even if my loved ones do not understand they are here beside me, to hold my hand, make me a tea, and give me a smile or a hug. I know the professionals in my life will make time for me and help and support me through this, and any other rough time.  I know, that this too will end, I will come out of this, I will see the bright side. This, like life is a journey, and I have an amazing team to help me through it.

I am on a voyage of discovery, of who I really am. There will be good times, there will be tough times, doors will close and new ones will open….and all along I have an amazing support team. And when things get rough I will remember Shane Koyzcan words in his poem ``Instructions For a Bad Day``…  Realize every dark cloud is a smoke screen meant to blind us from the truth, and the truth is whether we see them or not - the sun and moon are still there and always there is light. ``

Those are my thoughts for today- I wish you all well on your life’s journeys

Cheers and be well

Suzy

My Support plan sent to friends, family and Dr.

 Hi folks,

Your friend Suzy needs your help this week. 

In the past, when she’s had emotionally stormy weather, she’s been able to go into St Joseph’s “Spa” as she jokingly calls it. That’s not an option this time – gatekeeping of the beds is tighter and tighter as budgets tighten. Since there’s “no room at the inn” she’s going to do this personal work at home. She’s found this inner work process usually takes 5-7 days.

You need to know that both her physician and her counselor are confident that this will be a safe process – in fact probably a pretty important breakthrough to feel safe and vulnerable at the same time with her chosen family (that’s you!).

When she went on the Women of Courage course there was a “solo” challenge – a day alone and an overnight alone, with support staff camped nearby. She’s on a different kind of solo this week, and she’s asking for your support to be nearby…

What support is needed?

-          Friends who can step forward and offer to be “on call” for one or more nights in case she needs to make a late night phone call to hear a loving voice remind her of her strengths & her circle of support – (call or e-mail if you can do this, with the night you’re able to wake if needed)

-           

-          Other friends who can step forward and call to check in on her (help break any trances of aloneness or numbness) on a schedule. We need volunteers to call morning, mid afternoon, early evening, and a before bed (9pm call) – someone to coordinate this would be great!

-           

-          Visiting – Suzy can set some visiting hours – to make a cup of tea, to hold her hand or offer a hug, just “be” – no need to “fix” her – she’s not broken, just in a recovering stage that makes her a little more vulnerable than you’re used to.

-           

-          Cards & letters – visual expressions of love & support are great to re-open and re-read in the darker hours when she needs to remind herself of her current world that’s “camped nearby”

-           

-          Reminders that she’s probably going to be “rolo-dexing” through defense patterns (Fight Flight Freeze Submit/Collapse, Attach)so she may need help just labeling and letting go of storylines and just witness the defense:

-          • angry ranting or frustration = Fight

• thoughts of ending it, numbing out, putting up a wall = Flight

• terror of facing this week out of the hospital = Freeze

• numbing out, abject sadness = Collapse

• feeling abandoned by the system = Attach

This labeling helps defuse, helps soothe, helps make sense of the emotional storms. 

-          reassurance that this process has an end -- this is not a setback – this is progress and it’s only a few days.

-          Folks who might invite her out to walk each day (regardless of reluctance J)

-          You don’t need to ask what happened in the past -- that’s not the work. The work is trusting the present and trusting the fact that she is not alone – that her support system is here even when she’s more vulnerable and perhaps more needy than usual.

-          Suzy will be in daily contact with her counselor. She’s arranged to keep in close contact with her physician.

If you have questions or concerns about this you can e-mail me,  or call the office  (I check messages morning and night).

This is a sad but always sacred process that yields increasing wellbeing and joy.

 To be invited in is a profound endorsement of trust.

If I’m going to Talk the Talk- I had better Walk the Walk!!

It has been a very humbling week, and I am surprised as ever at the lessons life is teaching me.

A week ago I wrote on my D.I.D. blog about self-care.

http://suzy-livingsucessfullywithdid.blogspot.ca/

I had mentioned about having a tough time, the self-care that was needed, and not knowing where this journey was going to take me. Sometimes things settle down, sometimes they don’t, only time would tell. I have pulled in my supports and asking for help, doing what I can do to ride out this storm.

Well, that storm is still going, and it’s going to be here for a while.

Late last week I realized this, and knew I would most likely have to go the next step- to be hospitalized. As always this is not something I take lightly. I have talked to many friends about it, and, I’m sure, it’s the same conversation I have with them every time I am at this stage. In fact- I’m sure they could write the script. But, I needed to make sure I am doing everything I can do to help myself.

Talking to them also helps me accept the inevitable. I will need more help with this.

Of course I kept flip flopping on this, saying I could handle it, I don’t need the hospital, it will pass etc. But, it has not, so I made an appointment to see my Dr.

These last few days I have come to realize how very hard it can be to ask for help. Yes, whenever I give a presentation, I always tell them, there is nothing wrong with asking for help, no shame in realizing you need help with a mental health issue, and that there are people who will help you if you only ask them, because, no one can read your mind. So, please, please ask for help- you are worthy of it.

As I was thinking of this I thought “Well Suzy, you would be a pretty hypocritical bitch if you didn't follow your own advice. If you’re going to Talk the Talk, you had better be ready to Walk The Walk!”

In my wellness, I had forgotten how hard asking for help could be, and how the inner dialogue and old tapes can sabotage you. I had forgotten how when I wasn't emotional and feeling like crap- I would be numbed out and “everything was fine” when in reality it’s not, that’s why I was disconnecting or dissociating. I forgot about the anxiety and feelings of shame for needing help once again.  I realize these are all “cognitive errors” but when you’re in the middle of it, it’s pretty hard to remember that.

  

This is also why I have a hospital intake plan. It’s something I had written up, and revamped when I was doing fine.  It tells the hospital what I have been doing to avoid being hospitalized, the resources and supports I have used. It tells them how I am feeling, emotionally and physically, and why I seek admission.

It also tells them what my hospital stay will be like, what it will look like to them, what it will feel like to me, and what they can do to support me during this time.

I realize I may be different, as it is past trauma issues that I need to work on when I’m in there, but I still have issues with my complex PTSD, anxiety and depression. And throwing Dissociative Identity Disorder in the mix just makes things a little more interesting!!

I had been meeting with my Dr on a weekly basis for the last six weeks. So, last Friday I met with my Dr. again.We talked about the resources I am using, what else I can do to help etc. I have been through this many times, and he has been very supportive, and like me, he understands the process I need to go through. I had made an appointment to see him again the following Friday.

This weekend I thought about the things I had planned for the next week, and the week after. The ringette games, seeing Gabor Mate,- which I will miss, crap- meetings etc. I was trying to figure out what I was going to do, the anxiety was increasing, so I went to the beach, sat and did a smudge, and just sat quietly, and as always, the answer came to me.

Well, I made another appointment  and saw my Dr.  today. Things are not getting better, and while I was waiting in his office I thought about “walking the walk “again.  He came in, sat down and asked me how I was doing. Well, as hard as it was I let him know, and as soon as I did the protective wall came down and it all came out. Everything, tears and all. It was hard, but it was much needed. After some discussion we decided that he would contact the hospital and request a bed for me in the psychiatric unit- what I call the St Joseph Spa and Treatment centre”

 We talked about safety plans and resources to have in place, and plans to keep me safe while I wait for the call from the hospital.

This is huge progress. In the beginning of my work and healing  journey, when things were coming up, I would see my Dr. he would walk in and would already  have  huge wall of defense around me. Anything he said would not get in, and I would hide how I was really feeling. Needless to say this caused huge problems and I would usually end up in emergency in crisis mode.

Now, I can tell him how I’m really feeling, what is really going on, and because I can do this earlier,  we can both become proactive. I have also learned that for me, it helps to break the following days into chunks. Morning, afternoon, evening etc. What I am going to do, who I am going to ask for help and how they can help me.  By doing this, it helps me feel like things are not so overwhelming, that if it takes 3 or 4 days to get in the hospital, then we have chunks that we can deal with.

I have great supports, and I am pulling them in to help me through this. I am also accepting help more when it is offered. I have learned that I don’t have to go this alone. Yes, this is a solo journey, but I can have my supports to help me along the way.

I see my therapist Friday morning, and my Dr Friday afternoon, and we will continue with the supports and resources that are required.

I have supports and plans in place to keep me safe for the next 3 days, and if I am not in the hospital  by then, I will ask for more supports, I know they will help me and I will see my Dr again, we will keep going until we get in.

 Knowing that my name is on the list helps because I know it will not be forever. I will get in there, I will work on what I need to work on, and I will get better.

Some people ask me “Why can’t you just be happy with who you are now. You have come a long way, why keep working so hard, maybe it’s time to put your feet up?”

I tell them, there is this driving force that compels me to move forward. When I was born I was supposed to die, but there was something that made me keep fighting. This force keeps moving me forward to do the work that I need to do, to be the best I can be, to be the most authentic that I can be. I know, doing this work, and going through this does not make life easier, but when I come through the work, life is so much richer, sweeter, amazing and there are new adventures to go on and discoveries to make.

I will make it through this, and come out the other end a more whole, happier and better person. Of that I have no doubt. It’s a very painful process, but a much needed process to be the best that I can be.

And, if I’m going to Talk the Talk, I had better be prepared to Walk the Walk.

Those are my thoughts for today and I will see you on the other side, a much happier, richer, more authentic me. And boy, will I have a story to tell.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Why I do what I do- Part 2

This week Bell Canada is having its campaign to help end stigma around mental illness. With every phone call, text message sent, and tweet using #BellLetsTalk on January 28^th, Bell Canada will donate 5 cents to a mental health intuitive. http://letstalk.bell.ca/en/ . They have some great Canadians as spokespersons, Michael Landsburg, Howie Mandel, Mary Walsh and Clara Hughes.

Each and every one of these people are very successful in their chosen field, and it does my heart good to see they are standing up, sharing their own, very personal stories, and helping to end the stigma on mental illness.

Will I ever meet these people, probably not, but I do have something in common with them. I also speak about my experiences and advocate and educate about mental illness and mental health challenges. No, I will never be on national television, I do not have a media team putting together my campaign, but I, as one person, continue to do what I do, and like the Bell Canada spokespersons, I am making a difference.  

This last December I had the opportunity to once again speak to some youth at one of the local high schools. I spoke to a grade 11/12 psychology class, and as always, was amazed at these youth. I loved speaking to them, opening some great dialogue, answering their amazing questions, and, as always, before we knew it time was up.

The teacher of this program is amazing, she is really interested and connected with her students, and it shows. During the next couple of classes, she asks the students to write a short note to me, about my presentation and what they thought of it. This, too me, is a gift.

No matter how many times I have talked to her students-(I have been doing it for 4 years now) - and the comments that are sent to me, they always surprise me, bring a smile to my face and at times a tear to my eye. These kids are smart, well-articulated, and get it.

This shows me, that one person can make a difference. Here are a few of those comments

“Thank you for speaking to my class. You really opened our eyes about Dissociative Identity Disorder and made us understand that it isn't what Hollywood makes it out to be.”

“The fact that you have been to the lowest of lows and come out such a happy person is very inspiring...”

“ You made me open my eyes more in life and realize that my life is crap right now but will get better one day…you showed people that there’s more out there in life and that they just have to wait for that day to come.”

“You have made me realize there is so much more to life”

“I think people have a lot a misconceptions about mental illness and you did a great job clearing those up”

“Your presentation was truly inspiring because despite what you have been through you know who you are. I think it’s hard to find yourself, regardless of the situation. You helped me understand that even if it is hard, I will find who I am, and who I want to become.”

“..I realized human beings are very tough and can persevere through almost anything…”

“… It helped me understand how to see and treat people with D.I.D. and also other mental health issues.”

“Your story was really meaningful and inspired me. Life can suck but it can be good and never give up, remember better times are coming.”

For some of these youth, this is the very 1^st time they have learned, discussed and asked questions about mental illness. And I know, that for some my stories resonate with them because this is the first time in their life they learn that they are not alone.

I am not and never will be a celebrity. I am not and never will be a national spokesman, but I do know I make a difference. I will continue to do what I do, quietly, in my corner of the world. And when I hit times where I wonder if I am making a difference, I will pull out the student’s comments and read them once again.

I am not the only one making a difference. There are many, many individuals and organizations out there doing their part in helping end the stigma on mental illness. A few individuals I know about are

Kristen Bower http://adventuresofasurvivor.blogspot.ca/

Ashley Pfeifer http://onceuponawarrior.squarespace.com/

Siobhan Brannigan http://apositivefromanegative.tumblr.com/

The following organizations are doing a great job and have amazing resources on their sites, be it how to talk to or help someone with a mental illness.

Partners for mental Health http://www.partnersformh.ca/

The Canadian Mental Health Association http://www.cmha.ca/

And here is an amazing resource for parents with children with mental health issues and challenges. This is a B.C. organization, but great resources.

The F.O.R.C.E. Society for Children and Mental Health, http://www.forcesociety.com/

It is amazing to see the energy, passion, and drive that these individuals and organizations have. We All believe that through better education and understanding, we CAN make a difference, and help END THE STIGMA and misunderstandings surrounding mental health issues.

Start talking and keep on talking, long after the campaigns are out done and out of the limelight. Just because the causes and campaigns are over, does not mean that stigma surrounding mental health stops. 

I will never have the lime light shining on me, but I do know that by my talking, I shine a light that  reaches and helps someone else.

Those are my thoughts for the day.

Cheers and be well

Suzy