Step by Step version # 2794...

I have mentioned many times in my past posts, about, how living with, and at times struggling with a mental illness, I need to take life, and this journey, step by step, one step at a time. Not only do I need to take it one step at a time, but often, the size of the steps can vary. Sometimes all is going well and I can take long, confident strong strides, other times, I may be struggling and take smaller, and even baby steps. And there have been times, and may in my future, where I need to stop taking any steps at all. This is often a time of processing hard work, or recovering. And then, I start all over again, but I keep moving forward, even if at times it doesn't feel like it. 

This past week, a couple of events have brought the importance of this process of one step at a time into the spotlight. 

Event #1

A few weeks ago, on the long weekend, I went for a hike with  a friend up into the local mountains here. We did the Kwai lake loop. It’s a 14 km hike through alpine meadows, lakes, treed ridge lines, rocky paths, etc. It was lovely, sunny and beautiful as always. And it was so good to be out there amongst the beauty that is nature. It helps soothe the soul. 

All was good till later that night when I was home, and the outside of my left leg was really sore, I could hardly walk on it. This was different then sore muscle pain- I have had plenty of that, but I had no idea what this was. So, to make a long story short, I got it checked out and it’s the iliotibial band- commonly known as the I.T. band, issues. Seems I strained it somehow. The I.T. “Iliotibial band (IT band) syndrome facts. Iliotibial band syndrome is an overuse injury of the connective issues that are located on the outer thigh and knee. The iliotibial band runs along the lateral or outside aspect of the thigh, from the pelvis to the tibia, crossing both the hip and knee joints.   

So, I learned something new, saw the Dr. and am now getting physiotherapy for it. It was frustrating as I had to stop hiking, and going for any walks. I couldn’t work in the garden as that irritated it, and basically couldn’t do much. Well, I could do the stuff, but I would pay for it and it would make it worse and longer to heal. I am happy to say it is getting better and I was able to go for a short walk today. What surprised me was the urge to push myself before I was ready.

Event #2

Last week I was emailing back and forth with someone I know. I had mentioned to him that I think I am finally starting to get on a bit more solid ground after my “Epic Irish Odyssey” and processing a lot of what I learned while on that journey. Things and realizations and discoveries from that trip are still coming and I’m sure it will for the next year or so. But I think I am ready for the next step and that is writing my memoirs, and looking into doing a TED Talk. I mentioned I have no idea how to go about doing either, but I will start looking into it.

Well, the person replied with a lovely offer of hosting me for dinner and inviting an author friend of his so we could chat. Needless to say I was surprised, full of gratitude and hopefully it will work out. He wrote…”It’s a small step, one of many”    

I replied that I like small steps,they  help me not feel so  overwhelmed  and he replied“Step by step works for many of us. Cliff jumping, not so much.” – I almost spit out my tea laughing. Thinking “Aint that the truth!

Then as I do, I started to think of that statement, and the step by step on my healing journey. I started to think back to a time, before I was correctly diagnosed, actually, before I got any help at all. Where instead of the step by step, I was “Cliff Jumping”

I have done a lot of “Cliff Jumping”- metaphorically speaking, in my life. As a very young child I learned how to “Cliff Jump” and could sometimes eject myself out of the house when things became dangerous,- the natural “fight or flight” had saved me, but there was nowhere to safely land. I had nowhere to go but home, and things just repeated. 

I became an expert cliff jumper, to deal with emergencies in the moment, but what I did not learn was the subtle skills or planning out for non-dangerous situations. My brain and nervous system had no idea what that was.

Fast forward 40 years and I was noticing a repeating pattern and knew something had to change but no idea what. I was exhausted, tired of having to pick myself up, crawl back up to what seemed like a functioning level, just to crash again. I asked for professional help.

My professional team and I worked hard to tease out what was going on, and in time I was correctly diagnosed. As much as I wanted to get better, NOW!!!  in this work, there are no short cuts.

So, in time, I leaned that step by step was the way forward, even though the thought of “running like a child who stole a chocolate bar”, crossed my mind many times. This step by step philosophy did not come easy to me. But through hard work, determination, and help from others, progress was being made. In time I noticed I was incorporating this philosophy in other areas of my life.

This last May, I went on my “Epic Irish Odyssey”, my dream trip to fulfill my lifelong dream to go to Ireland. I was there for 10 weeks. The first seven weeks I was on my own, traveling via public transit, then a friend joined me for 3 weeks, and we rented a car and traveled together. It was an amazing experience and I came back a better, stronger and wiser person. Some folks I talked to, both at home, and in Ireland, thought this was amazing. Which, I guess it was, but this was not a “cliff jumping “trip- this trip was planned over 3 years, I saved for 10, and dreamt about it for over 45 years. There were moments it was really tough, was not all smiles and a bed of roses, but it was still amazing. And even during the tough times, I was still able to deal with it by going step by step, and working with my support system that I had put in place before I went. These are some of the advantages of planning step by step and not cliff jumping.

I want to  get serious about my writing, and doing a TED Talk. This is huge, and I know it will be a lot of hard work and at times, just the thought of it becomes overwhelming. My brain and nervous system will want to “Cliff Jump” its way through, but I know it won’t work.  So, when I let someone know this is what I wanted to do, and I received the lovely reply of dinner and a get together to talk about writing etc, I was surprised and full of gratitude. And why his line “Step by step works for many of us. Cliff jumping, not so much.” Cracked me up, it’s like he was in my head!!!

This week, I have had to remind myself many times, why I need to abide by the “Step by Step” philosophy, both for my writing and recovery of my leg. As strong as the urge is to jump forward, I know it will cause more harm than good. I also realize that not allowing my brain and nervous system to act on the old belief that “If we don’t do it now it won’t happen”- Cliff jumping- will take some energy and I need to be gentle with myself, and self-care is in order. I have a limited amount of energy, and cannot compare myself and my writing output and walking, to others. All I can do is the best that I can, keep a balance and go forward step by step.

Those are my thoughts for today. Its now time for me t bundle up and go for a gentle 20 minute stroll to get some fresh air. 

I wish you all well and smooth steps on your healing journey. Below are links to my travel blog I wrote, and continue to write about my journey in Ireland. And a link to a great talk by a father and daughter, on their journey with anorexia. It’s powerful.

Suzy

PS- I know the type is not aligned, I have no idea why it changed, I guess something else I need to learn...

https://suzyepicirishodyssey.com/

https://publicvideos.ypo.org/2017-lab-rob-safrata-with-daughter-jana-safrata

Life's Adventures Continued....

Life's Adventures Continues...

Yes, it has been more then a few months since I have written a blog. I am still here, I am still learning and life has been full of adventures. And right now..I'm in Ireland

But, before we get to how I came to Ireland, lets back up a few months.

A few months ago , a friend nominated me for the Courage to Comeback Award. This is an award giving out by Coast Mental Health in Vancouver, British Columbia. Canada. These awards are giving to folks who have gone through tough times, and give back to their community.

This event is also the major fundraiser for Coast Mental Health and helps to support their programs they run to help folks who have mental health issues. Its one of the biggest events in Vancouver and is the Biggest fundraising event in Western Canada.


 I was honored that my friend thought that I was worthy of the award, but had no thought that I would win. So, we filled out the application form, sent it off and I just kept doing what I do, not expecting to hear anything.

Now during this time I was also working on my plans for my life long trip to Ireland. I had the tickets booked and I was working on where I was going to go etc. I am traveling solo for the first 7 weeks, via public transit, then a friend is joining me July 1st, and we are going to rent a car for 3 weeks- she is driving!

My departure date was May 12th, at 5;00 am. My flight was originally May 10th, but when I was nominated I figured I should bump it a few days as the awards were May 10th, am I ever glad I did.

Just over 6 weeks before my departure, I had a therapy session and my therapist asked me if I had any more speaking engagements before my trip. I told her I had one, up at the local high school and that I was going to take it easy as I didn't want to be tired for my trip. Well, the saying of " best laid plans of mice and men often go astray" comes to mind....

That night I got a phone call from  the Chair of Coast mental Health Lorne Segal, telling me i had won the award...I was gob smacked and the 1st thing I said was.."No Shit" He also told me things were about to get busy and it would be a roller coaster ride, and he as right.

The next 6 weeks were amazing, exhausting, exhilarating, and a huge learning curve. I was flown over to Vancouver for a newspaper, radio and TV interview. I had my own "personal assistant" for those 6 weeks to help keep me organized and for support and if i had any questions. She was beyond amazing!!! Then a production team came to the island and followed me around for a day, into the class for my presentation etc. They were also going to put together a video of my story that would be presented before I went on stage. My family and a friend were interviewed, and  had to go shop for clothes. had to write a speech, as I was going to read it to 1800 people at a convention center when I got the award. As were the other 4 recipients.

Also during these 6 weeks, I had a couple of emergencies to deal with. The 1st one was I got home from clothes shopping one time and my husband needed to be rushed to the hospital as we thought he was having a heart attack- he is fine, it was a lung infection. The next was when I had booked a whole day off to relax, get a reflexology session and chill for the day. As I arrived at the house of my friend, her house caught fore- they are all safe, but it was a little hairy and I stayed and supported her and her family until her husband could get home later that afternoon.

Needless to say I had to go see my therapist and work through and process these events- especially the fire- man that moves fast. I had flashbacks of that event- but withing a few days- like a normal person, not months or years later . I then realized that during all of these events, as stressed as I was..I never dissociated or lost any time. I had always wondered what would happen if I was faced would an emergency- would I disconnect and loose time. Well, I didn't these times. Sure..I dissociated like any normal person does with an emergency- and deals with the emergency and do what needs to be done, but I didn't loose time or memory- this is HUGE!!!!

There were so many years in my life where this wasn't even a possibility.

Also, during the whole awards stuff, interviews etc...Coast Mental Health staff were amazing with support, asking me what I needed, having that support there, checking in on me in so many ways. They have no idea how much this was appreciated. very often, when folks who have a mental illness or have had trauma are asked to talk, or do a presentation etc, there is no support for them, and this can cause problems. As much as I love speaking and educating, it is emotionally exhausting and i have to make sure my supports are in place and I do lots of self care. Coast mental Health gets that! These folks were amazing. I

I spoke of tough stuff, and I didn't realize how much tension I was holding while waiting for the story to be released until the time came.I can tell my story, but I have no control how others are going to report on it.  When it came out- the 1st I heard was the radio interview, then I saw the print then the TV. It was amazing. My story was told, but it was told with respect, caring, sensitivity, and it was not sensationalized. My story was honored. As my friend wrote to me something like this - "Your story has been honored, the universe has honored you, another step in realizing the world could be safe"

Then it was time to go to Vancouver to receive the award. The  night before the award I met the other recipients and wholly cow- they are all amazing and I often wondered what I was doing there with them. On the big night, my best friend, my son, and 3 other wonderful friends were there to share this gala event with me, and my heart sung knowing they were there with me. And I knew everyone back home were there with me in their hearts and minds.

And remember what I said about support from the organization. My personal assistant came and got me when it was time for me to go up on stage- I was the first speaker.. I was back stage as the video of my story was playing, and she was right there with me, checking in with me etc, it was HUGE. Then it was time to go on stage, receive  my award and give my speech. It is a moment in my life I will cherish, and having folks with e there and at home and afar supporting me was amazing.

I never planned to be doing what I am doing, it just sort of happened, and I don't keep count of what I do, but I must say it was pretty neat to see it on film etc, and what I have actually accomplished was pretty amazing.

It was an amazing and magical night, and 36 hours after giving my speech I was flying off to Ireland for my next grand adventure. I have been here now in Ireland for 4 weeks, and it has had its challenges, which I have written about on my travel blog post which I will put a link below.

And remember that fundraising- over 3 million dollars were raised.

Its now time for me to get something to eat, but thought I should write a post and let folks know what I have been up to. What have a learned about all of this...that sometimes, we have no idea what is going to happen or here life will lead, but by putting one foot in front of the other it will take us where we need to be....

those are my thoughts for the day and below are links to the awards, stories and my travel blog post.

http://www.vancourier.com/news/woman-s-journey-to-find-herself-included-surprise-diagnosis-1.23290397

https://globalnews.ca/video/4198606/courage-to-come-back-suzanne-venuta


https://couragetocomeback.ca/speaker/suzanne-venuta/

http://www.news1130.com/2018/05/03/courage-come-back-mental-health-award-recipient/

https://couragetocomeback.ca/2018-recipients/

Forget Your Perfect Offering…

Forget Your Perfect Offering…

Well, I have been meaning to write this blog post for the last month, but the best laid plans of mice and men, and all that jazz...also  known as life, has been keeping me busy.

It’s been an interesting month.

As usual in January, we are bombarded with making New Year’s resolutions, improving ourselves- ie lose weight, become that "Perfect Person", have the "Perfect Body" etc.  As these were flashing across my TV screen, and Facebook advertisements, I wondered if there has even been a study of the negative effects of all of these advertisements etc. I mean, portraying how to be “perfect”, you are not good enough etc  has got to have some negative affect, especially for folks who are not comfortable with who they are in their own skin.

I once again didn’t make any New Year’s resolution or maybe that was my resolution. I have enough issues without putting more on my plate. I just try to be the best that I can be day by day. Some days it’s easier than others, some days are more productive than others, and I am learning to not only live with that, but be sort of  OK with it.

About 4 months ago I had a visit with my Dr and it seems my blood sugars are up once again, so we changed medications and I have worked at becoming healthier. I am happy to say my sugar levels are down to what they were 2 years ago, so that is good news.

 I had also decided I want to work at becoming stronger for hiking so I signed up for an over 55 strength circuit training.  Of course my anxiety spiked with the thought of taking a class I know nothing about and knowing no one, and my inner dialogue kept giving me excuses of why I “cant” go, reminding  me of school gym class etc,  but am happy to say I made it to class, while 2 of them anyway.  I did enjoy it while I was there, so was surprised at my continued reluctance, and I missed a couple more because I had meetings, then decided to give it up- give myself a break, not stress about it and maybe try in the New Year. I could have pushed through if I had to, but I didn’t have to, this was not a life threatening situation.

I’m glad I was gentle with myself, and I have learned a lot since then.

I have always liked Leonard Cohen’s words  

Ring the bells that still can ring

Forget your perfect offering

There is a crack in everything

That’s how the light gets in

So, what was the latest crack that I discovered you may ask? - Well here it is.  

While I enjoyed the circuit training class, and finally being able to be connected and feel the muscles and my body, the resistance of the machines was a trigger back to a time as a child, where I could not get away no matter how much I fought or pushed to get away. To say this was a surprise is an understatement, but it makes so much sense. Once I made this connection, I could think back to the countless times when this was the case, but I didn’t have the understanding, so I would quit. I would belittle myself, telling myself I was a failure, why even bother trying etc.

But this time it was different. This time instead of beating myself up about it, I acknowledged the challenge. I sat with it, and walked with the feelings of anger, sadness, grief that arose. I met with my therapist to get support and guidance, and let it all process. And I came to realizations of my limitations, and came up with a plan.

Instead of running away from the issue, I also pulled in another support. I really liked the instructor of the circuit training.- even if it was only 2 classes-  I told her about my processing issue, how being dyslexia can make learning a challenge etc. She was really good with it and not only supportive but aware when I was getting information overload or not understanding something. So I decided to consult her as a personal trainer, and am I ever glad I did.

Before we even met in the gym, we got together in her office and I let her know what my issues/challenges were, and what I wanted to work on. She has been nothing but supportive. Next time we met it was in the gym and we went through her plan for me, went through the exercise routine she had prepared, how to use the machines etc. There are no huge weights etc., just whatever my body can do, and that’s ok.  She checked in with me through the process to see how I was doing, it went well. Shortly after we finished I started trembling, and on the way home my body was shaking. I told myself I could go for a walk when I got home but decided against that, and here is why.

Sure, going for a walk would help release the anxiety, but it also uses the same muscles one uses to “escape” to get away. I need to retrain the brain, and the body that I was safe that there is no danger, that it was alright. So instead of going for a walk, I made myself a hot chocolate, sat in my chair with a heating blanket, held the mug in my 2 hands, and mindfully tasted the hot chocolate, noticing how the hot cup felt in my hands, what sections of the blanket was heating up etc. It took an hour, but I was able to calm down.

I am happy to say I have been back to the gym, and the first few times after the body did its shaking and trembling, but it is getting better, and I am feeling better about it, and slowly getting stronger. I went for a long walk a couple of days ago. The sun was shining and I felt good so I got outside while I could and walked for over 2 hours and I did notice a difference, which really surprised me J Not only did I feel physically stronger, I felt mentally stronger. Because I have worked at staying in the moment and working on the feeling of “needing to run” I could enjoy the moment and be relaxed during a long walk like I have never been able to do before. This is another wonderful gift.

I have another session with my trainer this week and look forward to where this will take me. 

Because I noticed another crack, I not only let the light in, but was honest and gathered support from another to help shine the light, and find more amazing discoveries. I am getting really good at noticing my cracks, and am still discovering more. But that’s OK, because by letting the light into those cracks, I discover more of myself, can make healthier choices and have a better quality of life. I was not always this comfortable with my discoveries, I would often fight it, or felt I could trust no one and would “Go it alone.” I have come a long way and am very glad of it.

None of us are perfect, we are all breathing, living entities that have had many life experiences. We all have cracks, they may be and look different, but we still have them. Instead of trying to “fix” or “Patch” these cracks, these unique experiences we have, let’s shine the light on them, and help others to shine their light on them, and you will discover your true amazing and authentic self.  It won’t always be easy, it may be painful, but if you hang in there you will discover the strength that comes from it will be much more powerful than any “Perfect body” could ever be.

Those are my thoughts for today, I wish you well and strength in your Journey

Cheers and be we]]

Do What is right For You….

It’s that time of year once again, the many holidays are upon us and you can feel the excitement in the air. We are bombarded by the music, lights, advertisement, movies etc. about what this time of year “should be” like for us- ie happy, warmth, love for our fellow man etc. But for some of us, we face many challenges this time of year. I know I do.

I guess I’m a bit of a walking contradiction. I do enjoy this time of year, the lights, the music and colors, and that sense of awe, wonder and magic I feel at this time. But, I also struggle with flashbacks, memories that are not warm and cozy. Broken sleep and spikes of anxiety, I find the everyday things seem to take more of my energy, so I really have to choose wisely.

As some of you know, for the last 8 months, I have been working on sitting with - (meaning not distracting myself away from) - whatever emotions come up, and this month has been no different. There have been the challenges of the Ghosts of Christmas Pasts visiting, but there have been wonderful moments of Christmas Present. Like I said, a walking contradiction J

I think really we all struggle in some way this time of the year, but it is rarely talked about. I don’t know if that because we all “believe” that it has to be “just right” because at least we feel some form of control, or we all have these “expectations” of how it should “just be”, but in reality we don’t have a lot of control over much of life on a daily basis, let alone this time of year with added stressors etc.

 Those of us with a mental illness or mental health challenges can find this time of year even more challenging.  This is where self-care and compassion should be front and center.

This is what my self-care looks like.

 Pots of tea, sometimes on my own, often with friends and family. I have booked an appointment with my therapist- I saw her last week, and I am in contact with here via email over the holidays. I have booked extra appointments with my family Dr. When I saw him last Monday he said, “I imagine this is not your favorite time of year”, and in a lot of  ways it’s not, so we had a good chat about that. I see him again tomorrow, and will book another appointment when I am there. He can’t “fix” the issues for me, but having a sounding board, sure helps, and often by talking about the issue- instead of keeping the conversation going in my head- gives me clarity and new perspective. 

Did I mention pots of tea? Warm blankets fresh out of the dryer, a good book. Drinking tea out of one of my favorite cups and going to lunch with a friend.

 I am working on being mindful of when my brain wants to hijack itself into the hyper or anxiety mode, and do what I need to do to ride that out, and not act on it-just so you know, I am not always successful, but I’m working on it. If I need to go into town I try to do so when it is not too busy, like before noon, or on a week day. I have my essentials- like tea J-  Last week I stopped at the local tea shop, picked up my various teas, and now  do not have to go into town this coming week. I know, I may have a tea problem J

 And unlike  the past, I allow my emotions to come up- whatever they are, feel them, sit with them, and this year there has been moments of grief, in all its various forms. Sometimes it’s a quiet sadness as I think about friends who are no longer here, or of friends who are struggling. Sometimes it’s a quiet grief that last a moment or two with a quiet tear. And sometimes it’s the body wrenching, snot nosed, red eye grief that takes over my whole body and I am exhausted after, that is also ok. . I have learned, for the most part, not to question why this is happening, but allow myself to feel it, process it and let it pass.

As hard as this may all sound, by doing this, it allows me to receive and enjoy moments of Christmas present. Examples of these are, making Christmas cake with my son- that’s our tradition, listening to Christmas music and dancing around the kitchen as I make more shortbread, and the smiles of the faces of those I give the shortbread to. Stopping to notice the magnificent hawk that is in a tree. Stepping out into the night, when insomnia visits, and gazing up at the stars, or fog, as we have had a lot of that, and being still for those moments. Laughing with friends and family, looking at Christmas lights and putting up the Christmas trees. With each of these moments, I am full of gratitude because I remember times when these were not possible.

I guess what I am trying to say is, take care of yourself during this busy time of year. Do what you need to do to take care of yourself. This will look different for each of us. Give yourself love and compassion as you would give a friend, and remember that you are important, you matter and you are worth it.

 And remember, that it may not feel it right now, but it will get better, and you are not alone. Reach out for help if you need it, get those supports in place ahead of time if you can. Let friends know how they can support you through this time of challenge. You do matter, you are worth it, and you are a treasure to this world.

Those are my thoughts for today, may you know you are not alone, and may you feel the universe hold you loving in its arms.

Suzy

Baby Steps Add Up...

Well, once again it has been a “few” months since my last blog.  It has been a time of learning and growth, and during these times I don’t have a lot of excess energy or brain power to write, and, I am learning too be OK with that.

I had spent the rest of the summer and the early part of fall being mindful, sitting still, quiet walks, alone time and processing. Yes, it was hard, and yes it was worth it. This was another step that was needed for me to get where I am now.

During this time, I started thinking I wanted to learn more about my condition, Dissociative Identity Disorder. By this, I mean I wanted to learn the science behind it. But did I want to go to school for the next 10 years? No, not really. It was then that the universe provided.

I had gotten word that some service agencies here were holding a workshop “Dissociation 101: How to work with people who have experienced complex and chronic trauma” They had invited someone called Christine C. Former from Calgary.  She is a member of the International Society for the Study of Trauma and Dissociation-(I.S.S.T.D.) - I had not heard of her, but I had heard about the I.S.S.T.D.  and at one time had been a member when I could get their student membership.  They are the foremost experts in this field.

So, I thought about this workshop for a while. I asked myself “Why would I want to take this workshop?” It was a big chunk of money for me, and I wanted to make sure I was doing it for the right reasons. The answer was that I wanted to be able to listen and talk to someone who knows the science behind this condition and has access to the studies and research that I don’t. I wanted to make sure that what I was saying in my talks and workshops were correct, and I wanted to get the latest information, theories etc. so I could share them with my audiences.   

Once I understood why I wanted to be there, I sent an email to the contact person to see if I could take it- as I am not a service provider or affiliated with any organization. I thought all I could do is ask. So, I sent an email telling the agency who I was, what I do, why I wanted to take it etc. and asked if I would be able to take the workshop, and the answer came back that I could.

So last month, during an 18 hour weekend workshop, I learned the science behind dissociation. I learned that of the psychiatric conditions, this is one the most studied, and the most scrutinized.  We know what causes this, that’s more then we know about many of the other conditions. We have thousands of studies- decades of scientific research to back this up.

I learned that what I have been saying/teaching, and my understanding of what goes on in the brain and the central nervous system is spot on, but now I have the science behind it.  When I give my presentation I sometimes wonder “Do I need to go to school to learn about this?” And I have come to the conclusion that I do not. There are experts out there, doing the research, it’s out there if people want to read up and study and get more information. What I do have and can give, is a unique perspective that comes from lived experience, from someone who has been there, gone through the wars and come out the other side. And I am learning that this is pretty special in itself.

On the first day, we all introduced ourselves, of course I was the only “non-professional” there- and I did disclose I live with this condition. I did this because for me, my childhood was full of secrets, and I no longer need to keep this a secret. I also reassured the group that I am not going to turn into a Dr. Jekyll or Mr. Hyde, and that this condition is nothing like Hollywood portrays. I told the group I would not be switching like Hollywood shows.  The facilitator- Christine said something like “Well, if you do, I got it”- she is also a therapist J

I also told the group that it did my heart good to see so many people interested and willing to learn and thanked them for their courage to come and learn about something that can be scary if you don’t understand it.  I have been speaking publicly about living with this condition for about 12 years, it’s nice to see that the community sees and understands the need to better understand this condition and learn how they can better help their clients.

It was an amazing weekend, I learned tons, met some lovely people, made more connections and came away even more self-assured that what I am doing is what I am meant to do. When you work on your own, you do have times you doubt yourself, or at least I do. I have put out the offer to those folks at the workshop that if they have questions, or would like me to come and talk to them, or their group, about what it is like to live with this condition, I am more than willing to do so.

As I said, it was an amazing workshop, and I met some lovely people and some asked me really good questions and great conversations happened. It was really cool when someone told me they recognized my name from the article I wrote, - someone had forwarded it to him. Someone else came up to me and said...” Since you’re the one expert here, what do you think of the workshop?”  I smiled and said, “Awe, thanks”.  I told her the workshop was great, and everything the facilitator was saying was right on, and that it was good to learn the science behind the condition. I now have a better understanding physiologically what was happening in my body and brain when I was switching, memory lapses etc., I now understand. And I also realized how far I had come.  That is pretty amazing, and powerful.

One morning following the workshop I was going for a walk through the woods and I was thinking of how far I have come in this healing journey of mine. I thought back to the days before I was diagnosed and thought I was crazy, losing my mind and at times, wondered if I had early onset Alzheimer’s. I wondered why other people could seem to function and remember appointments, to pay bills, etc. and I couldn’t. I wondered if life would ever get better, or even if there was a “better.” Those were some dark days. During those days I could never imagine I would be where I am now, doing what I am doing, and being able to walk into a room full of strangers, all professionals, and not only feel confident about who I am and what I know, but believe, and know in my bones that I have something to offer. 

It took a long time to get here, a lot of work, a lot of tears, a lot of support. There were many moments of doubt, and I know I will still have those moments now and then. I know I will have good days, and not so good days, but during those not so good days, I know it will get better.

I also know that I am here, not because of giant leaps, but because of thousands and thousands of baby steps, some so small they were microscopic.

Sometimes we can become overwhelmed by the enormity of a task, I know I do. Things can seem so big that it just overwhelms us and we don’t know where to start. 

I want to tell you that things change when we make little steps. Sometimes, when we are struggling we can’t seem to make a full step, I understand that so well. When those times arrive, do baby, or  micro steps. What is a micro step you may ask?  If you are breathing, that is a micro step forward!

The steps don’t need to be huge, because many little steps add up.

NASA did not decide to land a man on the moon, then do it. It took many years and many steps, and a lot of support to get there. I didn’t get where I am, and develop the ability to do what I can now do because I thought of it. It took many years, many steps, and a lot of support. But, like landing the man on the moon, being where I am today is also pretty frigging amazing!

Those are my thoughts for today, may you be kind to yourself during this journey we call life.

Cheers and be well

Suzy

PS- here is a link to The I.S.S.T.D. http://www.isst-d.org/

Here is a link to Christine C. Former, she was amazing, authentic, knowledgeable and funny J https://www.thetraumatherapistproject.com/podcast/christine-forner-ba-bsw-msw/

The Beauty of Stillness…

 It has been 7 months since my last fresh blog, I have reposted some earlier blogs that I felt fit, but it has been awhile since I have been able to write, hopefully this will be worth the wait.

 As very often happens, I start writing thinking it’s going to go one way, but it takes on a mind of it in and goes somewhere else, kind of like life. So make a tea or coffee, put your feet up, relax and join me for the ride.

In the early part of May, I decided I needed a serious break so I took some time off of advocating. Now don’t get me wrong, I love what I do, and I think I do it well, but I was running on empty. I had two more opportunities to talk to high school students, but I was beyond exhausted. So after some serious soul searching I decided to decline those invitations and asked them to remember me for the following semester. I did not want to get to the point where I am talking to the students and being so tired I would be wishing I was at home in bed. This work is too important!

Unlike my past “breaks’ I am actual working at “doing nothing.”- No commitments. I am not golfing, hiking, committing to anything etc.

So, I have been spending the early mornings in my garden, drinking tea, watching the flowers open up as they are kissed by the morning sun. Observing the dew drop sparkle before evaporating, being visited by Humming birds, and gaze upon in wonder as a blue and black dragon fly lands on a bouquet of crimson roses. Momentarily, we are both still.

I have been engulfed by the fresh light scent of newness as the world awakens, accompanied by the cornucopia of flowered perfumes that lightly and fleetingly waft through the air, carried by gentle ever-changing breezes.

I love my quiet time in the garden, but it did not start out that way, it was anything but.

In early May when I took myself and my tea out to the garden, it was painful to sit still. I guess the sitting still was not painful- I do have a very comfortable chair- it was the mind that would not settle that was the painful part. I would sit, see a weed and I had this belief and physical urge that “I had to pick that weed now” my leg muscles would actually twitch as the urge to move was so strong.When in reality, the weed would still be there in 20 minutes, half an hour, tomorrow etc.  My mind would remind me of all the things I needed to do, places I “had” to go, things I “should be doing” etc.  It was anything but relaxing.

In those moments, it was hard to sit. I used all the mindfulness tools I had, feeling myself in the chair, focusing on my breathing, feeling my feet on the ground etc. It seemed strange because the more I sat, the more painful it got. My skin would feel like it was stinging, my joints would hurt, I would feel a heaviness and aching in the center of my chest, my ears would ring etc. At times I just wanted to run.

My mind would think “Well, this is no bloody fun and anything but relaxing!” Seeing my canoe I would think “I have to get that out, it’s summer, I am going to run out of time” and other varying thoughts. I knew these thoughts were my way of trying to escape what I was feeling, so with diligence, and at times all the energy I had, I slowly and lovingly brought myself back to the present, to my breathing etc. 

I must admit, I was more than a little surprised by this. When I decided to take a break I thought I would just come go out to my garden, watch the bees, relax, nothing to it- well, like this blog going where it wants to go, life can be like that also.

For a while, the more I sat, the more difficult it got. I couldn't  understand why I was having such a hard time with this, I have had therapy, I practice mindfulness throughout my days, I have come a long way, I’m no longer dissociating, why is this simple act of relaxing in my garden so bloody hard? My husband was back east visiting his kids, I had no commitments etc. It just didn’t make sense, it’s not like I was sitting there all day, or on a week long mindfulness retreat. I continued to sit, and struggle, and sit.

Some mornings were easier than others, but I persevered, and I’m glad I did.

I was starting to notice moments when I could actually relax, they were fleeting at first, but they became more frequent and stayed longer. Sure, I would still get the body sensations, but by allowing them to come and acknowledge them, they would also leave sooner.

Then I had this huge epiphany, I have never ever been able to relax in my garden. I could work in the garden, weed, plant, walk through it, but I have never been able to sit in my garden, relax, and enjoy.

 I needed to honor this breakthrough. I purposefully made a couple of spots in my garden where I could sit, view from different angles, and have a sacred place to enjoy and re-coup. I brought in various rocks I had collected, a piece of driftwood a friend brought me during a time of struggle and I smudged both places. One spot I can sit in the early morning and watch the sun come over the trees and when the sun gets to warm I go to the 2^nd spot- it is two walls of lattice, an arbor and all are covered by a vine that provides shade. In the late afternoon/early evening the sun shines on this 2^nd spot, but the 1^st spot is now in shade. After all these years, having the ability to relax in my garden, and not just relax, but enjoy it is a true gift.  

As with pretty much all of my positive epiphanies, and realizations, there is usually the other side of the coin. As I have said before, this is the trauma therapy. While it is wonderful and invigorating to find these new discoveries- this time, the beauty of sitting, feeling safe  and relaxing in my garden, the realizations and memories of times where the exact opposite happened  would come up and needed to be looked at.  And while these memories are not as “devastating” as some of the other work I have done, and while I am able to do this work at home, and not be in crisis, this work is just as exhausting. This also, does not make the work any less important, or any less powerful. In fact it may be more powerful, think of the airlines that have crashed because of a seemingly small, insignificant bolt or piece that has failed.

As I write this, I realize that while these realizations are not as “loud”, as some of my past work, they are just as important. This is why I need the quiet of my garden and just be. I need to sit quietly, walk quietly and be quiet so these oh so important stories can rise to the top, be heard, be validated, processed and felt. For now, that is my work and I know it will pay off.

Years ago my psychiatrist said to me “It’s a poor man who does something for only one reason.” I am planning a solo trip to Ireland next year, a land I have wanted to visit since I was a child, but never imagined I ever would. I know there will be stressors and I plan on going “turtle speed” Not be a tourist who is running around to “see” as much as they can. I’m taking it slow, or planning to, and I know I will be tested in many ways. One will be the mind thinking “I have to go here, there, have to see this, that” etc.” I know I will not see all of it, but I want to enjoy what I do see and experience, get to know the people, the land, and maybe find out what has been calling me there all these years.

A few months ago I  mentioned to someone what I was planning and told them I would like to visit one of the Aran islands- as well as many other islands- for a few days. Their reply was “Oh I have been there, but you can see it all in one day.” That may be true, you may be able to “see” it all in one day. But I want to feel it, be it, and experience it. I want to be in the moment and not think about where I have to go to or rush off next. I want to be in the present and receive all the gifts this brings.

 I know the work I am doing now, will allow me to experience this, and when things do go sideways, it will help me to come back to the present and calming much sooner. This will make the trip much richer. Also, sure doesn't hurt the present moment :) 

I wish you all well in your journey, and may you all find quiet moments to discover your richness. 

Those are my thoughts for the day, I wish you all well in your journey and may you find beauty in those moments of stillness

Cheers and be well

Suzy

Recovery is like the arrival of Spring…

Recovery is like the arrival of Spring…

I have come to the conclusion that recovery is like the arrival of spring.  Spring may appear to “suddenly be here” but, if we are watchful, we see that it slowly comes into being.

Spring is growth personified. There is a lot we don’t see, and I have come to understand that my recovery is also like that.

In the past 48 hours, I have noticed the long awaited arrival of better moments. Moments which include improved brain functioning, a sense of wellbeing and a lightness within my soul. People who see me in the next day of two may think that I am suddenly better, but in reality, I have been working long and hard to get to this point.

There have been many, many gut retching therapy appointments, days of complete exhausting where I feel like I am wearing a lead suit while walking through mud. Times I have had too push myself to get up out of bed and out of the house. I have felt anger, frustration and sadness. But I always knew, even in the darkest times, that I was growing and doing what I needed to get better. To those who don’t know me, this may have looked like anything but growth, but those who are close, know differently.  

In the spring, long before we see leaves unfurl on the Honeysuckle vine, the lilac buds start to show, or the crocuses breaking through the earth, there is much going on underground.  Roots and seeds are awakening, stretching and cracking open in the darkness, where there is no light. But lack of light does not stop this growth from happening. Just because we don’t see it, does not mean it is not going on.

I think back to when I fractured my ankle in January of 2005. I needed surgery and now have a plate and 7 pins in my right ankle.  In the days following I required painkillers, lots of rest, and the aid of others. What we didn’t see was the bones healing and knitting themselves back together. In time I was able to get up, learned how to use a walker, then crunches, a walking boot and then after some time it was healed.

Of course the progress of a physical injury or illness is much easier to see then a mental illness. Society is much more accepting and accommodating of a physical then a mental illness, but it’s slowly changing. Like the arrival of spring, lots of growth and change is happening that we don’t see. Mental illness and the importance of mental health is slowly coming into the spot light, and more and more people are creating respectful dialogue around this. Science and technology are giving us a better understanding of what’s going on, and we do know, we are just scratching the surface. We have a long way to go, but it’s a start.

So when you get times where all you see is dark, remember, the seed still breaks open and the roots stretch and awaken in the dark.

I’m pretty sure there will be times, where I will once again struggle, will require the aid of others, need lots of rest and may need medication. That’s ok- just like when I fractured my ankle, healing will be happening in these moments and I am doing what I need to do to take care of myself and get better.

Where ever you are in your journey,, may always hear Spring gentle whispering on your doorstep.

Those are my thoughts for today

Cheers and be well

Suzy