As you can see it has been more than a few months since my
last post. Life has been busy, and for
the most part good, and I now have my web page up and running…and…..in less than
three weeks I will be trekking 170 km, with 10 other folks, to help raise funds
for Outward Bound Canada, charitable programs. I will be trekking the Tour Du
Mont Blanc, and will be in France, Italy and Switzerland. I am still pinching myself,
and this was in no way on my radar, and this opportunity came out of the blue. I
have been writing a blog post about it, and the journey to prepare for it, and
you can find it here. https://www.suzannevenuta.com/
The day before yesterday I finally got out in the garden and
did some much needed weeding, pruning etc. I have been busy with training etc
and it was somewhat neglected. Working in the garden allows me time to let my
mind wander, and wander it did.
As I was pulling weeds I was thinking of my healing journey,
to where I am now, and the times Outward Bound Canada has helped me in this
journey. I thought about the times I was on course, was afraid but pushed
through and discovered more about myself.
I thought about the times in therapy, and the beginning of my journey
and how afraid I was.
Some points in my journey, I came to a cross road, and it
was usually at a very difficult point. Many of the times it was with regards to
looking at my trauma, feeling what I should have back then- but didn’t because
I dissociated, and the need to process. I remember how terrified I was. I was
afraid of these emotions and the work it was going to take, but I knew my way
of coping- dissociating etc, was no longer working. And, did I really want to
live like that anymore?
The thing is, I knew how to live with dissociation and the
not so health coping mechanisms. As they say “Better the devil you know” But
could I live without dissociating, I had never done that before, and that
unknown was terrifying. I also knew that
the only one who could do this work was me.
Sure, I am forever grateful for the
amazing help I had, but at some level, at a much younger emotional level, I
wanted someone else to fix it, make it better for me. But I knew that I was the
only one who could do that work. At some level this felt like a slap in the face,
as I had already worked hard, and here I was being asked to do even more work.
When I came to those crossroads, I knew the only one who
could make the decision was me, and I knew the only one who could do the work,
again was me. This does not mean I wasn’t scared.
So with the guidance of my professionals, I started. I had
made up a support plan to let friends and family know how they could best
support me, and I slowly but surely started working my way through the sadness,
anger, grief, despair, anxiety, betrayal, flashbacks etc. It was not an easy
road, and it sure wasn’t linear. Many times it looked like I would make
progress, then I would slip back down, then back up I climb, then back down
again. Sometimes I needed hospitalizations. Slowly but surely things got
better and better and better. I still
struggle at times, but now I see the struggle sooner, have better tools in my
tool box to help me deal with this and pull in the supports when I need them.
And here I am, about to go on another amazing epic adventure.
I was working away in the garden still, and it was time for
a tea break. Then back to work and now I’m trimming the roses, cutting out
brambles, pulling up the crabgrass etc…and as it always does, the garden
surprised me with treasures that are somehow growing under all of this. And I thought
to myself…”this is like my therapy, I was afraid and feeling the fear, and the
other emotions, it seemed too big of a job. Just like these rose and bramble
branches, but taking it slowly and bit by bit I was able to cut away at them,
and look what I found. Under all of that was new life and light was now
reaching that new life.”
I know that if I did not do the work, I would not be where I
am. If I didn’t face the fear and work through it, I would not be getting on a
plane in 16 days to fly to Geneva. - Never in a million years did I ever think
I would write that line. –It was hard work, it was scary, but because I did, I
have found many treasures within myself, and a new lease on life.
If you are about to embark on your work, and you are scared,
maybe knowing that I understand, and have been there, and that you are not
alone will help.
Those are my thoughts for today, may you find many beautiful
treasures and shine light on who you truly are. Its hard work, but it is worth
it. You are worth it.
Cheers and be well
Suzy
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